Darkness
by VeneficaMelody
Summary: Julia wonders why life is worth living after she loses Spike. Should she take her own life? That knife looks pretty tempting... What is life worth living without love?? Rated for possible suicide...
1. Default Chapter

_ WARNING: Possible suicide... Do not read if you don't like dark/angsty fics... _

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_Darkness_

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Chapter 1 >>

Dark Memories 

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Julia looked up at the night sky, sighing. She wondered, briefly, where Spike was. Did he think of her anymore? Did he even care? It had been so long since they had been together, and she had never forgotten him. All day and all night, for months after he had left, all she could do was cry. 

Listening to old music that somehow soothed her (or made her more upset, depending on her present mood) she would think of him; remember the times they had spent together. She would always love him; there could be no other for her. 

On the table beside her, there was a tempting glint. Yes, it was the blade of a knife. Should she use it? She gazed at it, wondering. What would be the way to go? Without Spike, she had nothing. Nothing... 

Surely the darkness of death was all that was left for her... Wasn't it? If he didn't care, didn't believe in her love, what did anything matter? Nothing mattered then... If only she could understand... 

Spike had always been headstrong, believing in himself. But Julia also knew that he had needed love; someone to comfort him. She had thought that her love was enough for him. After all, he meant EVERYTHING to her. Why couldn't he understand that? 

After he had left, her life had gone downhill. She had done nothing; barely said a word to anyone. Even though the 'Red Dragons' weren't really a "family," they had still been concerned about her. She knew, though, that it wasn't true concern. They were just worried that their top assassin would not be able to perform. 

But how could she be expected to perform when she didn't have Spike? When she didn't have love? Without him, her life wasn't worth living. Picking up the knife, she looked at it. Tears filled her eyes as she thought of the man she loved. This wasn't unusual, she had been crying too much ever since he had left. The ones who knew her -- they were used to it. But what could she do? It seemed she couldn't stop her crying, couldn't stop the misery. Could the darkness be the answer? 

She stared at the knife, wondering. Was it worth it? But, without Spike, what did she have left? His love had been all that she had needed. It had been all that had kept her from breaking down at times. Before she had found him, her life had been empty; sad. A repetion of bloody, meaningless killings that had only been done because they were asked of her. Spike had shown her that there was more to life than death. That there was love, his love. But now that she didn't have him... What was left? 

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_ So... Is anyone still reading? I doubt it... This story isn't very good... I wrote it during a bout of depression... If anyone likes it, I might finish it and show Julia's decision. I don't know what it is yet... It all depends on what MY decision will be... But that's not important now... Either way, my faithful *bitter laugh* readers will get the next chapter... and the decision. _


	2. The End... Or Is It?

Note: If you can't deal with the thought of (attempted) suicide, don't read any further.   
  
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Darkness   
  
Part 2  
  
The End... Or Is it?  
  
  
  
  
  
As the setting sun cast its soft glow on her face, Julia reflected over the irony of it all. When she had lost Spike, her world had fallen apart. She had searched her mind, studying her life. But she had found nothing but a hollow ache where her heart had been. She had loved Spike so much! And now that he was no longer in this universe, how could she be expected to go on?   
  
Julia gazed contemplatively at the knife in her hand, its silver blade glinting from the light of the crimson-hued setting sun. Was it a sign -- a sign of death?  
  
It didn't matter to her, really. Her death would only be a release; an escape. A way to be with Spike again. Since his death, nothing had seemed right. Nothing had been right. Julia knew that everything would remain wrong until she was with Spike again -- in his arms.  
  
Looking at the glittering blade, she felt it calling to her. Could she do it? Did she truly have the strength to end her own life? Looking back on the past few years, she knew that, yes, she did. Without Spike in her life, she had nothing. So what was the point in living? Life was worth nothing without the man she loved.   
  
Taking a deep breath, she brushed her hair back from her face and sat down to compose a letter -- her last words and thoughts before death. Thinking, she decided to write from her heart. No one could argue with her about it; she would be dead. Penning the letter, Julia felt an instant of regret. She would miss visiting the places that had meant so much to them -- the places where she and Spike had gone to be alone, to be free.  
  
But with the release of life, she would be free. She would be with Spike again. Remembering him, missing him, she cast aside the pen in favor of the knife. Strengthening her resolve, she drew the knife across one wrist. A flare of pain burst from the wound, eliciting a sharp cry from her lips. A crimson stream of blood began to flow down her arm, dripping to the floor. Bringing her hand up, she quickly drew the knife across her other wrist. As a fresh wave of pain wracked her body, she refused to cry out. As her life-blood flowed from her body, she felt a sense of peace. Soon, she would be with her lover.  
  
As her eyes closed in death, she whispered with her last bit of strength: "Life is a dream. Only love is real."   
  
The crimson blood dropped to the floor, a testimony to her love for Spike. As the droplet began to stain the paper, the message remained there, untouched.  
  
"Life is not worth living without the one you love. Without love, there is nothing."   
  
  
  
  
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I know, I know, it's sad... But review anyway! ^__^ Thanks!   
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
I know, you're thinking, How can it be continued if she's dead?? Well, she might not be yet... Anybody want me to continue with a happier ending?? Let me know in your reviews!! 


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